Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Bad Day

I left work early today. Just got sick of it. We have a guy at work that has "tried" to kill himself 3 times. I have no pity for his need for attention. Killing yourself is easy. Not the decision to do it, but rather the actual act of doing it. This guy has made 3 attempts. All he is looking for is someone to feel bad for him. I think about killing myself all the time. It would be easy. I don't do it because of what it would do to my brother.
Depression is a nasty thing. I just re-read the above, and I guess it sounds like I'm a horrible person. I don't think I am, but I'm aware of how my shyness has made me lonely and just a little bitter. I see how the world is supposed to work, and I do my best to at least act like I'm living, but I'm not. That's all it is. An act. I go to work, I go home. I can't approach people I don't know. I literally develop a stutter when I try to talk to women. I don't stutter at any other time. Just around women I don't know. My mind goes completely blank around new people, and if I'm not stuttering, I just stand there, silent. Parties are my biggest nightmare.
Crap. I'm depression myself with my whining. It's sad that the most open I've been with this is on this stupid blog where I don't have to deal with real people.
Weight today was 237. Here's a thought: I often think that the reason I stay fat, beside the lazy factor, is that if I did lose the weight, I'd also lose my biggest excuse for being alone. I wouldn't be able to blame it on the fat. It would just be the fact that I'm horrifyingly shy.
I'll repeat myself: Depression is a nasty thing.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Yea! My First Post!

Hello, all! All being absolutely nobody, because I doubt anybody will ever see this. As the name of the blog says, I am the original 40 year old virgin. No, the idea for the movie wasn't stolen from me, I just have absolutely no life or any clear idea how to live one. I may as well share my pathetic excuse for a life with anyone who reads this, as I don't actually have any real people to share it with.
First, a little about myself. I am actually 40 years old, and a virgin. I am a short, fat 5' 6" diabetic, having been as high as 266, however the high that I count is 248, because that was what I weighed when my doctor told me she was thinking of puting me on insulin. I, however, got serious about that, being majorly afraid of needles, and within a few months, dropped to a low of 200.5. Now, unfortunately, I am back up to 237.5 as of this morning.
Um, not really sure where to go with this. Perhaps I'll add a daily thought or begin to take suggestions on what I should do with my life each day. We'll see. Bye.